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14 September 2007 @ 01:22 pm
"The time has come," the dolphin said...  
 Yes, I'm aware it's really 'walrus,' but have modified Lewis Carroll for my purposes today, as I'll be telling you The Story Of How Persephone Was Molested By a Dolphin On Her Honeymoon, pictures included.   Here you go, mugglechump, this is the whole sordid story.

First I must tell you that I love my husband.  I love him, but I've yet to forgive him for the incidents that happened in June of 1998, in Roatan, Honduras.  

I let Nolan decide where we went on our honeymoon, as I really didn't care.  He didn't get a whole lot of say in the wedding, and still brings up the fact that he didn't get to have invitations with little cartoon frogs jumping on them (seriously!).   He wanted to SCUBA dive, so I got certified, and off we went.  To Roatan, Honduras.  

All I knew about Honduras at this time was that the country's name was synonymous with the word "rebels".  Honduran rebels.  I guess I heard it on the news.  I was a little concerned that my new husband was taking me into a war zone, but I had faith.  He booked with a company that he'd met through a dive show in Dallas, and we arrived, after a 14 hour travel day, on 2 commercial airplanes, 1 propellor plane that the pilot had to start by HAND, and an 45 minute un-airconditioned jeep ride through the brush, in Roatan, Honduras.  At...  wait for it...  The Inn of Last Resort.  I am not kidding.

Would that be the name of a place you'd take your new bride?

Anyhow, it was okay.  It was not heart-shaped champage flutes and fluffy bubble baths and all of the other things that I dreamed a honeymoon would be.  It was work.  Scuba, although the 'lazy man's sport,' is still a lot of work.  It is tiring.  The last day we were there, we went out with the guide and the owner's son, an 11 year-old.  We were drift diving, really just letting the current take us along, and I got bumped by something.  Something BIG.  Something Grey.  My first thought was, OMFG it's a shark, a great white shark is going to eat me whole and I'm going to die here at the Inn of Last Resort, 60 feet underwater, in bloody Honduras.

Lucky for me, a few seconds later I realized that Great Whites aren't native to Central American waters. (Thank you, Mr. Killian, World Geography, Nimitz High School.)  Anyway, I looked up, and saw TWO dolphins swimming away, up toward the surface.  I breathed easier, and decided that drifting was no longer fast enough, and that I needed to swim as fast as my little short legs would go, to the instructor/guide, who was with the kid.  On my way there, I got bumped again.  Think of it as a nudge from a 350 lb. mammal.  Disconcerting, to say the least.  So I redouble my efforts to swim to the guide, screaming through my respirator, getting bumped by the dolphin 5 or 6 more times on the way.  I look at the dolphin and at this point realize that I'm not getting bumped.

I'm getting humped.

By a dolphin.

At this point, the long-haired, hippie, pot-smoking instructor finally noticed that I was being violated by something that was, in fact,  NOT my brand new husband, and advised me through sign language, not to touch the dolphin.

Oh, really?  Don't touch him?  Cause I was going to ask him back to my room so we could put on some Barry White and get comfortable, asshole.

At this point I hear a noise.  I look around wildly, only to discover that it is my sweet husband of one week... laughing.  I heard him laughing UNDERWATER.  He was laughing that loudly.  The guide was smirking at this point, too, and the dolphin was, of course, smug.  The kid was the only non-asshole male in the area.

This picture documents it.  I'm at the top of the picture, getting my LEG BITTEN BY A DOLPHIN, screaming and swimming, trying to grab the fin of the instructor.  If you look closely, you can see that the dolphin is very.... erm, excited.  Mr. Wiggly was out.  My husband?  Taking the picture.

After dolphin-boy got what he wanted from me and swam away, my husband takes the underwater slate and writes, 

"Someone needs to tell him that I'm the groom."

He's so freaking funny.  He's lucky that we're still married.  When he really want to piss me off, he makes 'eee eee eee' noises.

So that's why I'm not a fan.  Surely you can understand?
I am:: 79106
I feel:: calmcalm
I hear:: Shrek 2
Jessicatudorrose1533 on September 14th, 2007 08:09 pm (UTC)

That is the funniest thing ever.

I can totally see how that would be traumatizing but OH MY GOODNESS I almost died laughing.

You just have this really matter-of-fact funny tone, and then the story itself, and....bwahaha, it was sheer genius.

That dolphin has good taste! ;-)
Carrie Leigh: Moral Indignationcarrie_leigh on September 14th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
The sick thing is... EVERY WORD IS TRUE. Hand to God.
Comic Book Goddessrainpuddle13 on September 14th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
Carrie Leigh: bitter lemonadecarrie_leigh on September 14th, 2007 08:35 pm (UTC)
Mala: Holy crap!13oct on September 14th, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC)
I laughed so hard while reading this that I actually cried! The pict that you attached was the icing on the cake!
Carrie Leigh: by lilliana sanchezcarrie_leigh on September 14th, 2007 10:26 pm (UTC)
Glad to be of service. ;)
Elle: green fieldelvishly on September 14th, 2007 09:39 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, that brightened up my miserable day. :P

When he really want to piss me off, he makes 'eee eee eee' noises.

I lolled. xD
Carrie Leigh: vintage winkcarrie_leigh on September 14th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
He makes the noises, and I glare.

is pretty fucking ninja: Snarkcaramelsilver on September 14th, 2007 10:25 pm (UTC)
I fell of my chair laughing at this:

Oh, really? Don't touch him? Cause I was going to ask him back to my room so we could put on some Barry White and get comfortable, asshole.

Poor you, it's understandable that you don't like dolphins^^
Carrie Leigh: Extremely stubborn and suspicioucarrie_leigh on September 14th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC)
I really don't. I get a disgusted, violated feeling every time I see one. ;)

dragonsangel68: Button - For a good time call someone eldragonsangel68 on September 14th, 2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, honey, but that's just about the funniest thing I've heard *falls off chair laughing*
Carrie Leigh: bitter lemonadecarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:44 pm (UTC)
I know. The sick thing is, it's all true. ;)
(Deleted comment)
Carrie Leigh: bitter lemonadecarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:45 pm (UTC)
Hm. It's almost good enough to replace Easter, I think.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - carrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
rupert_talleyrupert_talley on September 14th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)
I bet that was *giggle* very scary. *giggle* What an amazing *giggle* story though. Tells you *giggles* how much men *giggles* change during the *chuckles* marriage. *chuckles* then sighs* He'd never *laughing* do that *laughing* now. *wipes tears from eyes* Yes. As I was saying, thanks for sharing.
Carrie Leigh: john cusakcarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, no. Hubby still maintains that it was a fabulous honeymoon. I still maintain that hubs is an idiot.
Embellishedembe11ished on September 14th, 2007 11:12 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh! That is absolutely hilarious! I hope your husband made it up to you later!
Sharlene: LOLZ by peaces_iconsmynuet on September 14th, 2007 11:55 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - carrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
maureen: Dr Cox and Sonmaureen on September 15th, 2007 02:06 am (UTC)
That was sooooo funny. I laughed harder just now than I have all day and I really needed the laugh. Thanks for sharing!
Carrie Leigh: bitter lemonadecarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:49 pm (UTC)
So glad I could help. ;)
raynedayrayneday on September 15th, 2007 02:49 am (UTC)
I thought I had good stories! You know, as a 'new friend' I could suggest some counseling? We can call Sea World, perhaps? Maybe there are others out there who have had mixed relationships and maybe, just maybe...we can all find some closure. Har har har. Remind me to recant the tale my husband told me about himself on our first date. Reenie may remember the tale...it's icky...but hilarious, just the same.

I think you deserve an over the top anniversary get a way from hubby!!!
Carrie Leigh: bitter lemonadecarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:51 pm (UTC)
You're a funny girl! Hubby suggests going to Sea World every so often, to see if my 'boyfriend' is there.

Please share your story! It couldn't be more humiliating than this one.
sereniteys: shepard book special hellsereniteys on September 15th, 2007 10:50 am (UTC)
Poor Carrie! That’s not at all hilarious and giggles inducing! *hides grin behind hands* Who knew you had cross species appeal?

Have you let hubby chose a holiday destination since?
Carrie Leigh: It's exhaustingcarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 12:53 pm (UTC)
Yup, it's not just human males that dig me; everybody loves Carrie.

Yes, he still plans the trips. But we haven't been SCUBA diving since. Coincidence? I think not!
Katemugglechump on September 15th, 2007 04:00 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh! I can see how that would have been very scary. And frustrating. Bastard probably never called again, did he? Stupid pump-n-dump dolphins.

So, no more scuba trips to Honduras, then? *pats Carrie* Nolan is lucky you're such a forgiving women. eee eee eee, indeed. *snicker*
Carrie Leigh: Death had Deancarrie_leigh on September 15th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
No, he doesn't call, he doesn't write, he didn't even offer me a cigarette after.

You're right. Nolan is lucky.
Cydneyalittleredhood on September 16th, 2007 08:04 am (UTC)
OMG, this reminded me of an icon I saw once:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

But maybe this will cheer you:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Carrie Leigh: Cinically Insanecarrie_leigh on September 16th, 2007 12:16 pm (UTC)
I LOVE it!

Freakin' dolphins.
dL: bat bogeydieloreley on September 17th, 2007 12:22 pm (UTC)
You see, in the absolutely not creepy at all way, I know what your voice sounds like. And hearing your voice in my head, saying that entire post out was... well, it was hilarious. I'm sorry, but your snark at the diving instructor? Priceless. I'm so sorry it was traumatic, though. *shudders with you* No scuba-diving on my honeymoon! Although, how do you suppose the dolphin could tell you were female? Because, you know, with my (lack of) chest, I could pass for a boy...

Oh, and if I could? I'd Bat Bogey the next (male) dolphin I came across. Just for you. *shudders again*
Carrie Leigh: mauled dolphinscarrie_leigh on September 17th, 2007 01:12 pm (UTC)
No, no, it's funny. I can laugh about it now. It's been almost ten years, after all. But I still don't like dolphins, because... well... I just don't.

The instructor said that pheremones(sp?)were to blame for my dolphin friend singling me out of the four of us. I must've smelled differently than the guys. Joy.