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12 September 2007 @ 03:26 pm
TMI, but funny just the same.  
I'm not one of those "forward email" type of girls; in fact, the buck usually stops here and gets deleted.  However, if you are a woman, I dare you not to laugh at this.

 This is (supposedly) an actual letter sent to American com pany Proctor
 and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling
 after the first paragraph...

 Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years
 and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
 Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
 salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
 beach in tight, white shorts.

 But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
 on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
 maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
 each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

 Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
 "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
 starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal fo rces
 violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
 will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
 "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

 As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
 quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
 monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
 bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
 swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
 it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
 Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
 a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
 Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

 The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
 crawling with homicidal maniacs i n Capri pants... Which brings me to the
 reason for my letter.

 Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
 inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
 there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy

 Are you #%*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
 middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
 happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
 above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

 FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
 anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
 Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
 march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
 sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

 For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
 moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
 something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or
 "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

 Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
 immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
 chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
 certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
 brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.


 Wendi Aarons
 Austin, TX

Kahlua and Motrin, indeed.  You add a little caffeine to that cocktail and you've got yourself a deadly combination!
I feel:: amusedamused
Elle Blessingwayelle_blessing on September 12th, 2007 08:53 pm (UTC)

Ahh, that was priceless. Thanks for sharing :)

And seriously Mr. Thatcher, I'll show you a happy period. Blech.
Carrie Leigh: snark of warcarrie_leigh on September 12th, 2007 08:56 pm (UTC)
I know! Why they have men doing that, I'll never figure out.
Jandy the Gnome Whisperer: Culpae Addictjandjsalmon on September 12th, 2007 09:57 pm (UTC)
HA HA HA! 'Drop that hammer' LOL!

Very fun. I may have to pass this to all the girls I know. ;)
Carrie Leigh: Cinically Insanecarrie_leigh on September 12th, 2007 10:21 pm (UTC)
Heh. It's kind of like, "Put down that pick-axe!"

I like the idea of being a homicidal maniac in capri pants. ;)
sue_bridehead on September 12th, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
Heh! We heard that slogan on TV the other day. I just kind of chuckled and wondered what moron man thought that up? ^_^
Carrie Leigh: clown in sewercarrie_leigh on September 12th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
It certainly couldn't have been a woman. At least not one I want to hang out with!
maureen: Dr Cox No Caremaureen on September 12th, 2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
That was AWESOME. I love being a woman, I really do. I especially like your subtle Dr. Cox quoting icon. Yea for Scrubs!
Carrie Leigh: who gives a crap?carrie_leigh on September 13th, 2007 12:51 pm (UTC)
I love Dr. Cox on a level reserved mostly for Draco Malfoy, my husband, and Edward Cullen. Not necessarily in that order.
maureen: draco thinkingmaureen on September 14th, 2007 12:21 am (UTC)
Oh, Draco....sighs. I love Dr. Cox that much too. I don't have a husband, and no boyfriend at the present so I can give these two all move love.
dragonsangel68: GR pmsdragonsangel68 on September 12th, 2007 11:04 pm (UTC)
*falls off chair laughing* That was just priceless!
Mala13oct on September 12th, 2007 11:11 pm (UTC)
Comic Book Goddessrainpuddle13 on September 13th, 2007 12:18 am (UTC)

That was brilliant. I say you go girl!
echo: draco psycho friendsspankerella on September 13th, 2007 12:32 am (UTC)
This has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your post, but I didn't think it was appropriate to put this up where it actually should be. There still will be Blaise and Neville. Just not at CP. I didn't want you to wibble unhappily. Especially since Draco, Ginny, Harry, Hannah and Mac won't be at CP anymore either. They'll still be around... just... elsewhere. Just hang tight.
Carrie Leigh: a rainbow diescarrie_leigh on September 13th, 2007 12:53 pm (UTC)
All good to know. Very considerate of you. Now I won't mope unnecessarily. Thanks.
(Anonymous) on September 13th, 2007 02:23 am (UTC)
That was sooooo freakin' funny.......and sadly so completely accurate.

That is why my new best friend is the uteral ablation. I never have to "throw away" that $8 a month to some moronic company to tell me to "Have a nice period".

(hmmmm....what's next? Printing "Have an enjoyable bikini wax" on those lovely paper thongs??)

Carrie Leigh: snark of warcarrie_leigh on September 13th, 2007 12:55 pm (UTC)
They'd better not. They'd have a lot of irate women on their hands!
rupert_talley: Ron rupert_talley on September 15th, 2007 03:24 am (UTC)
I am fortunate not to have a painful or a too emotional period. However, it has never been any thing remotely "happy." My mantra during that time of the month is, "I hate my period" "Have I mentioned I hate my period?" thanks for sharing