Carrie Leigh (carrie_leigh) wrote,
Carrie Leigh

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 This has been brewing in me for a while, and I think I'll feel better if I get it off my chest.  Who was it?  Popeye?  That said, "I've had all I can stand, I can't stands no more!"  I'll probably have an emotional catharsis, but I doubt reading will help you.  You've been warned.

I am a Christian.  I've been a Christian since the age of eleven when I asked Jesus to be my savior.  As trite as that sounds, I truly beleive as a child I grasped what it was to beleive.  And I do.  Jesus is great.  Jesus is my rock, my peace, my healer, my protector, and there just aren't words to describe how much I love him.

But Christians.  

It was Ghandi who said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” 

Wow.  Ain't it the truth.  I keep expecting more out of my Christian friends than the shallow, self-obsessed, judgemental people that they are.  As Christians, we're taught to be like Jesus.  As Ghandi said, we aren't.  It hurts.  

Let me back up.  I'm not saying that Christians are better than anyone else.  Heaven knows I'm not.  I've committed almost all of the Big Ten (see Exodus 20 for a complete list) and some that aren't even included in those.  (I was a theatre major, y'all.  Do the math!  Hm..  That's ironic, as most theatre majors can't do math... but I digress.)  I still act, which some people consider giving false witness, or lying, I am friends with *gasp* gay people, I use curse words, and I've been known to covet.  We are all sinners.  All of us.  Every one.  And sin is sin is sin.  One sin is not better or worse than another.  They are all the same in God's eyes.  You can hate the sin and still love the sinner; and this is where most Christians fall short.  It's easy to forgive someone who tells a white lie.  It's a little harder to love a murderer, or someone who's slept with your husband, or someone of whose lifestyle you don't agree with or approve of.  Even if you DO feel that way, is it too much trouble to try and show those people the love of Christ?  If Christians are supposed to "share the good news with all the people" do you think those people will be receptive if they are persecuted from coming into your church buildings?  I totally get why people call Christians hypocrtical.  Their mouths say one thing, yet their actions are totally the opposite.  Even to other Christians.  

I get SO tired of "playing church".  It's absolutely exhausting to sit with a group of people and know that over half of them aren't practicing what they preach, so to speak.  We haven't attended church regularly this summer, as we've been out of town almost every weekend, and I hate to say it, but it's been a relief.  I'm dreading going tomorrow night, dreading going on Saturday (That's when my church meets - beats the heck out of Sunday morning) and I, quite frankly, feel guilty about it.  My instinct, which I call 'the Jim Wagster school of thought' is to withdraw totally from everything and hide in my house.  I realize that this is not a viable option, but I think I'd be happier, for a while anyway, if I could.

So.  What do I do?  Pray.  Yes, alright, I do that.  Love the unloveable.  *grits teeth*  Yes, I'll try my best, Jesus help me.  Love my neighbors, and treat others as I want to be treated.  I will.

But what I really feel is dead inside.  Tired.  Disappointed.  A little angry.  Nauseated at the thought of going through the motions.

Anyhow, sorry for the angst.  It did make me feel a bit better, though.  So thanks.

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