Carrie Leigh (carrie_leigh) wrote,
Carrie Leigh

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Superhero Therapy & Miscellaneous Junk

So my last playwrighting class is next monday and  it has been such a productive year!  We wrote TWO plays, one that's about 30 pages with a story arc and a plot that took us till from September 'til the end of March, and then a 10 pager that I absolutely adore:  Superhero Therapy.  The class did a read-thru last night for the completed project and we laughed hard.  ALL of us.  It's so fun, I'm gonna post it, so you all can share in the goodness.  I'm not even going to post the character list.  It'll make perfect sense without it, I hope.  

The following is owned by the Amarillo Little Theatre and the script may not be reproduced without express permission.  Don't steal it!  We hardly worked worked really hard on this!  Cyd, Jake, Carlee, Sara, Amber & Carrie would love to hear what you think!

Superhero Therapy
(Batman, Superman, Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Spiderman and the Pink Power Ranger sit in a semi-circle)
Batman.  Alright.  I think we should go around the circle and introduce ourselves, and state our powers.
Superman.  I don't feel comfortable revealing my secret identity...yet.
Pink Power Ranger.  What?  You mean you're not going to put on your glasses?  (scoffs)  Freaking lame-o.
Superman.  Listen Pinky, just because you have full head coverage doesn't mean you get to--
Batman.  Alright, alright, alright.  Let's not get personal.  So, Clark--
Superman.  (interrupts, whines) Bruce!
Batman.  Oh.  Yeah, sorry.
Group.  Oooohhh.
Superman.  My name is Superman.  (Looks meaningfully at Batman and Pink Power Ranger)  I have x-ray vision, I can fly faster than a speeding bullet, and leap tall buildings--
Wonder Woman.  Jeez.  We know, already, huh?  Get to the point.
Superman.  (huffs)  Well, I'm getting worried.  They're thinking of getting rid of all the phone booths in Metropolis.  And if they do that, I'll have to change in the office.  Lois is already getting suspicious of why I wear Spandex under my suits.
Wonder Woman.  This is a self-help group.  We can't do anything about your town's zoning laws.
Batman.  And hey.  There's nothing wrong with spandex.  You be you, Cla- erm, Superman.  Maybe you should talk to the commissioner.
Superman.  (petulantly)  Not every town has a commisioner.  Your town is evil.
Batman.  Shut up, Clark.  Who's next?
Pink Power Ranger. (Raises hand)  Oooh, me next.  I'm the Pink Power Ranger, I can kick ass and yell really loud! Okay, so there's this other Ranger named Hyung Kyung Lee, and she got to be the yellow ranger, even though I totally wanted to be the yellow ranger and it's just because she's Asian that she got to be it.  And the black ranger?  Black.  Totally racist.  And the red ranger is so hot, but I don't think he likes me.  He keeps hanging around the blue ranger.  And I have soooooo much homework.  It's, like, a total bummer.  And all the monsters in Angel Grove?  Dude, you'd totally think people would move away, but they don't.
Batman.  I know what you mean.  Gotham City is a hole, but people refuse to move.
Spiderman.  Word. I'm from New York, man. The criminals are the easy ones.
Catwoman.  I'm next.  I'm Catwoman.  Sometimes I fight crime. Sometimes I don't. It depends on my mood, really.  I have a mean roundhouse kick, and-
Batman.  (Aside, rubbing his shoulder) Watch out for the claws.
Catwoman.  I've been dealing with a very serious catnip addiction.
Batman.  Oh, really?  (nudges Spiderman and pulls out a catnip ball on a string)  Like this?
Catwoman.  No!  I thought this was a support group!  (Batman and Superman begin to laugh as Catwoman bats the ball with her hands) Unable...  to...  resist...
Wonder Woman.  You really shouldn't do that, you know.  It's just not right.
Batman.  Sounds like someone should remove the invisible jet she has jammed up her-
Superman.  Bruce.
Batman.  What?  Oh, right.  Sorry.  (Puts away cat toy.)  Where were you?  Carry on.
Catwoman.  (To Batman) I thought we were friends. 
Superman. Or more.
Catwoman. (Ignoring.) Granted, the kind of friend that sometimes commits heinous crimes, but still.
Batman.  I'm Batman.  I don't have friends.
Wonder Woman.  What about Robin?  Or Nightwing, or whatever the crap he's calling himself these days? The wonderboy.
Batman.  Shut up.
Wonder Woman.  Oooh..  Someone's touchy. 
Batman.  Watch it, sister, or you're gonna find that your rope is good for more than just telling the truth.
Superman.  This is counterproductive.  We're here to share our problems and support one another.
Pink Power Ranger.  Yeah.
Superman.  I don't need your help, Pinky.
Batman.  Clark?
Superman.  (Angrily) Superman.
Batman.  Why don't you see if you can complain a little more? Moving on:  Wonder Woman?  What have you got?
Wonder Woman. I'm Wonder Woman.  I'm an Amazonian warrior, I come from Themyscira -Paradise Island for the idiots at the table-  and I am a master at unarmed combat. I have my lasso of truth, which somebody (looks at Batman) better not touch, and these nifty bracelets, which block rays and bullets and stuff.  And I have the aforementioned invisible jet.
Spiderman. So, does that make you a boy or a girl super hero?
Wonder Woman. Hello?  Wonder WOMAN! Stupid insect...
Spiderman.  You're butch, it was questionable. And I'm an arachnid, actually, Diana. Don't confuse your arthropods.
Batman. (Cutting in) ANYWAY, that was a lovely introduction, but what seems to be the problem, Wonder Woman?  Besides the whole plane thing.
Wonder Woman. It's a jet. So. I've been having this problem.  I can't get Aquaman to notice me!  We're friends, and we go and fight crime together sometimes, but once the wrist cuffs come off, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.  It makes me sad. 
Pink Power Ranger.  You like Aquaman?  I thought you were a... oh, okay.  Missed that one.
Batman.  Right.  Peter, you're awfully quiet today.
Spiderman.  (sighs) Okay, here's the deal.  Aunt May is getting on my nerves.  Mary Jane and I want to move in together, but my aunt is so puritanical, she thinks we ought to be married before we live together.  We are so in love with each other, but we can't get married, we just can't because I'm a superhero and it would endanger her and I can't commit.  I'm out all night fighting crime, and I just can't give her the time she deserves from a husband, you know?
Batman.  Sheesh.  Be more of a girl.  What do you do?  Hit the bad guys with your purse?
Wonder Woman.  Leave Spidey alone.  He's sensitive.
Superman.  I hear the committment thing isn't you only problem.  A little birdie told me that you suffered from premature webslinging.
Spiderman.  Shut up!  Aren't you people supposed to be helping me?
Batman.  No.  Why would we?
Spiderman.  Because this is a support group.
Batman.  Oh, right.  We should probably change the sign on the door, then.
Superman.  To what?
Batman.  I don't know, yet.  But I think we should put a big bat on it.
Superman.  It can't be all about you, Bruce.
Batman.  Sure it can.
Catwoman.  What about you, Bruce?  You're the so-called "leader" of this group.  Aren't you going to share your problems?
Batman.  I'm Batman.  I don't have a problem.
Catwoman.  Spill it, Bruce.
Batman.  Well, okay.  If you must know, my mask gives me cowl hair.
Pink Power Ranger.  Boo freaking hoo.
Batman.  You don't understand!  I fight crime at night, but I'm a billionaire playboy by day, and I have to have good hair to attract the ladies.
Pink Power Ranger.  Alright.  Like, any problem that can be solved with like, a comb, and gel...
Batman.  Bat-gel!
Pink Power Ranger.  Right.  Not a real problem.
Batman.  Yes it is!  Gel stains the mask and makes the ears floppy!  Would you be intimidated by someone with floppy ears?
Superman.  (Snidely, towards Spidey) Or premature webbing?
Spiderman.  Shut up, Clark!
Pink Power Ranger.  But wait!  Why not just wear a hair net?
(all the male superheroes stare at PPR)
Batman.  The point is, it messes up my hair. 
Wonder Woman.  Like you could get a girl, anyway.
Superman.  A girl?  He lives in a cave with an 80 year old male butler... and how many little boys?
Batman.  You have something to say, Clark?
Superman.  My name is Superman!
Catwoman.  Could this group get any worse?
(Door opens.  Robin, wearing a leather jacket, sporting slicked back hair and smoking a cigarette, Hitler and Voldemort enter the room)
Superman.  (Stands, crosses arms) Well, well, well.  What do we have here?
Robin.  Adolf, let me handle this.  This is my new posse.
Spiderman.  Way to represent, my brutha!
Batman.  What the crap, Dick!  Why are you hanging out with these guys?
Voldemort.  (Cockney accent) Your name is Dick?
Robin.  Shut up!
Voldemort.  That's okay.  Mine's Tom.
Hitler.  (Heavy German accent) I thought his name was Voldemort?
Catwoman.  (giggles)  Oh, my god!  It's Tom, Dick and Hitler!
Voldemort.  (points wand at Catwoman, aside to Robin) I almost don't want to kill her because of the outfit.
Hitler.  Why not?  No one wears black after Arbor Day.  Everyone knows that.
Voldemort.  (points wand at Hitler) Don't tempt me.
Robin.  Anyway, there's a new boss in town.  We're the Red Birds.
Hitler.  What?  I thought we were the Nazi Party?
Voldemort.  No, we decided on the Death Eaters.  There was a vote.
Catwoman.  Man.  It sounds like you guys have some problems to work out.
Voldemort.  (points wand at Catwoman, menacingly) Avada Kedavra! (Nothing happens.)
Pink Power Ranger.  Wow.  Man, that was kind of weak, dude.
Wonder Woman.  That pansy crap doesn't work over here.  We're in America!
Voldemort.  Bollocks.
Spiderman.  We have cancer and taxi drivers, man.  You can't kill us with a stick.
Voldemort.  (sneers) It's a wand.
Catwoman.  Yeah, well, you can't hurt us with green light.
Wonder Woman.  Well, you can't kill most of us with green light...  Clark?
Superman.  Superman!
Hitler.  Your name is Clark?
Superman.  (to Batman) Do you see what you started?
Robin.  Hey.  Bad guys here.  Crashing your meeting?  Pay attention.
Batman.  Right.  Unappreciative whelp.  So.  What is it that you guys want?
Voldemort & Hitler.  World domination! (Evil laughs)
Robin.  Yeah.  What they said.
Spiderman.  Wow.  You really are evil.  Where's Satan?
Hitler.  He's in the little boy's room.
Voldemort.    The loo.

Hitler. That's what I said.

(Voldemort grumbles under his breath.)
Spiderman.  So. We have Wannabe evil Robin; Voldemort, who really is evil, but has no real power; Hitler, who is a terrible bastard, but has been dead for 60 years; and Satan, who's taking a potty break.
Superman.  (gets up) I've had about enough of them.  Justice League?  Let's take care of business.
Spiderman.  Catwoman, Pink Power Ranger and I respectfully refuse any affiliation with your fascist regime.

Batman. Besides, you don't lead the Justice League, Clark.
Superman. Oh. And you do, Bruce?

Batman. More than you. Clark.

Superman. Then why doesn't it have a giant bat on it, Bruce?

Batman. Don't make me-

Hitler. Why not just share it equally among everyone with no private ownership?

Pink Power Ranger. Wait, isn't that communism?

(Everyone stares.)

Pink Power Ranger. (indignantly) We were studying it in school, alright? I'm not that dumb.

(Wonder Woman snorts.)

Hitler. Yeah, well, communism, Nazi party, they're not that far apart.

Robin. (bored) Stop stallin'.

Hitler. Hitler.


Batman. Right, so why were you here again?

Villains. World domination!
Robin.  (sighs heavily) We were going to wait on Satan, but since he's taking forever, we'll just tie you up and then we're gonna--
Superman.  Could you develop your plan and then monologue about it a little more so that we can anticipate your next move and thwart you, please?
Batman.  You say thwart?  Nobody says thwart anymore.
Pink Power Ranger.  What does 'thwart' mean?
Superman.  Okay, it's when you are victorious over your foe, or preventing a plan from being carried out, but it's more emotional than physical. 
(Pink Power Ranger stares)
Superman.  It's butt-kicking, to put it in your vernacular.
Pink Power Ranger.  Oh.
Batman.  Are you done, Clark?  Because they could have taken over the world by now.
Superman.  Superman!
Voldemort.  (To Superman)You can come over to our side if you'd like.  (gestures to Batman) Although his color scheme works better with our outfits.
Batman.  I'm not trading allegiances, and neither is Clark.  
Superman.  Superman.  And I can do whatever I want.
Batman.  Okay.  Go, then.
Superman.  (petulantly) No.
Batman.  That's what I thought.  Robin, you get over here right now or I'm gonna--
Robin.  Gonna what?  Gonna spank me?
(everyone laughs)
Batman.  Oh, right, you guys, real mature.
Hitler.  (to Robin) So where is the world domination?  And the coffee.  You promised me coffee.  Coffee and frankfurters.
Robin.  That was just to shut you up and get you here.
Hitler.  You lied to me?  I'm going back to Germany.
Voldemort.  (they begin to leave) But we haven't killed anyone yet.  (to the Justice League) There's this kid, Harry, who's a real menace while you're out thwarting folks.  Totally evil. I haven't managed to do the job, but I think you'd have no problem there, in the blue tights (indicates Superman).   Or you, (gestures to Catwoman) as he's easily distracted. 
Catwoman.  Oh?  Distracted how?  (Spiderman picks up the catnip, Catwoman hisses.)
Voldemort.  Well... You know... Your costume, there.  He is a teenage boy. 

 Catwoman. You have something to say?
Voldemort. Well it's just... Never mind! I just thought maybe you could maybe kill him... 
Catwoman.  You can't kill a teenage boy?
Voldemort.  It's harder than it looks.  He always has these mates with him, some braniac tart and a red headed bloke who cringes a lot.
Spiderman.  (to the Pink Power Ranger)  Now that's lame.
Voldemort.  Now hold on a tic- (Waves wand, mutters curse, nothing happens. He shakes it and peers down the business end.)
Hitler.  I don't care.  Come on, Tom.  Let's go back to Europe where people cower before us in fear like they are supposed to.
Voldemort.  Yeah, I have to get my wand tuned up anyway.  Ruddy Ollivander said it would work over here.  I'm definitely killing him when we get back.
Robin.  Wait guys, but... Let's talk about this. I mean (cough) I don't need you.
Catwoman.  Yeah, Tom.  Sit down.
Wonder Woman.  (Pats Hitler, albeit a bit too hard)  You'll feel better if you talk about it.
Batman.  They are not part of the group! They're the bad guys!
Wonder Woman.  Don't be withholding, Bruce.  That's part of your problem, not opening up.  (Scoffs) Cowl hair. 
Batman.  Well I wouldn't expect you to understand!
Catwoman.  So, Tom, tell me about this Harry kid.  How evil is he?
Voldemort.  So evil...  (Conversation drifts off)
Pink Power Ranger.  (to Robin) You know, you're kinda cute. I'll totally go out with you if you come back to the good side and ditch the hair gel and the little German guy.
Robin.  (Messing up hair quickly) Erm, okay.
Spiderman.  (Aside to Robin) Dude.  Make sure of what's under the mask before you date it.  She could be a real uggo.
Superman.  I think you've lost control, Bruce.  How does that make you feel?
Batman.  Don't make me...
Superman. No, seriously. I mean look around you. We've been fighting the whole time, there's no rodent logos all over the room and your boy- (Batman glares menacingly) Sorry. Your ward is going from megalomaniac supervillainy to dating a ditz in pink body-armor. (To Pink Power Ranger.) No offense. (Back to Batman) Really though, how do you feel?
Batman. Betrayed.  Bewildered. (Beat) Pissed off. I'm thinking about bat-a-ranging everyone in the room.
Superman. That's not exactly what I was going for...
Robin. (To Pink Power Ranger, now having taken off the leather jacket and put down cigarette) So, about that date.
Pink Power Ranger. You're still with the bad guys though, that's a total turn off.
Hitler. Hey, what's wrong with us? We're not that bad.
Voldemort. Speak for yourself, mate.

Catwoman. I thought you were more of a vigilante. What about killing that evil Potter kid?
Voldemort. Yes, yes of course.

Hitler. You lied to me too?

Voldemort. (attention on Catwoman) Not now, Adolf.

Batman. I just-- I don't understand, Clark.

Superman. (Weakly) Superman.

Batman. I try to be a good superhero mentor, and look what it gets me.

Superman. Let it all out.

Spiderman. (coughs) Gay.

Batman. I mean maybe I could have been there a little more often, but crime doesn't sleep, Clark.

Superman. Superman.

Batman. I did what I could.

Superman. I know, Bruce. I know.

Spiderman. When you two girls are finished, you know we still have three villains. Er. Two villains and a horny teenager, whatever. There are three unsavory characters in the room at any rate. And the prince of the underworld may be in the bathroom.
Wonder Woman. And?

Spiderman. Well, we're superheroes. It's like... our job to stop them, right?

Wonder Woman. Well they aren't doing a whole lot, are they?
Spiderman. No.
Hitler. I want to go home, Tom.

Voldemort. I'm busy.

Hitler. Tom.
Batman. You know what? This is getting ridiculous.

Hitler. I agree!
Batman.  (Brandishing a bat-a-rang.) Quiet.

Hitler. But-

Batman. We're a room full of heroes for Gotham' sake. Why aren't we acting like it?

Catwoman. Technically, I'm an anti-hero.

Wonder Woman. Oh, is that the new term for it?

Catwoman. You're calling me a slut? Look over there! (Pointing a claw at Pink Power Ranger who is flirting shamelessly with Robin).

Batman. Enough!

Superman. So what are you saying, Bruce?

Batman. There's a dark necromancer, a Nazi who's killed more people than almost anyone in history and an ungrateful little brat with a desperate need for an attitude adjustment and we're sitting around here talking about our feelings like a bunch of pansies.

Spiderman. Actually we're just beefing with each other, but I see your point.

Wonder Woman. Good, explain it to me. I can't listen to tall, dark and loathsome for too long without wanting to throw myself out a window.
Spiderman. I think what he's saying is that it's time for some good ol' American ass-kicking.

Superman. For justice!

Hitler. For the Master Race!

Voldemort. For the dark arts!

Spiderman, Dude. No. We're kicking your asses. Arses? Arses. Respectively.
Voldemort. Oh sod it all.
Robin. Hey guys. I have a better idea.

Batman. What do you want?

Robin. (Taking Pink Power Ranger's hand... glove... whatever) Make love not war.

Batman. Go to your room.
Robin. I'm twen-

Batman. (Menacingly) Now.
Robin stands and stalks out, turning to give Pink Power Ranger a "call me" gesture.
Spiderman. Ass-kicking now?

Catwoman. I like clawing.

Hitler. Can't we talk about this?
Voldemort. Sit down over a nice cup of tea?
Batman. What do you think this is? Therapy?

Hitler. Well... Yes.

Pink Power Ranger. As if.

Voldemort. You people are really screwed up, you know that?

Batman. You want to handle this one Clark?

Superman. Superman. (Cracks knuckles) And yes. We know.
Wonder Woman. I'll take the little one.

Hitler. I told you we should go home, Tom!

Catwoman. No one leaves unless we say so.

Batman. This is Super Bat Therapy!

Superman. Superhero therapy, Bruce.

Heroes.  (chanting in unison while cornering Voldemort and Hitler) Superhero Therapy! Superhero Therapy!

And gas prices are $3.25 a gallon.  For crying out loud, why not just hold a gun to our heads?
Tags: playwrighting, superhero therapy

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