Carrie Leigh (carrie_leigh) wrote,
Carrie Leigh

Things I Loathe, Fall Edition: Pumpkin Anything and the darn 'Elf on the Shelf.'

We're well into what I like to call "Deep Pumpkin" and on the fringes of the time of the year I refer to as "The Hell of Elf on the Shelf."

It's no secret that I don't like pumpkin-flavored things (with the exception of these muffins - I'm a mass of contradictions). But at this time of the year, you can't swing a short rope without hitting a pumpkin coffee, cheesecake, torte, truffle, or soup. And I just can't get behind it. And everyone is always so very excited about the "Fall Flavors," which sounds delightful, but then is inevitably some form of pumpkin.

Which is just gross. Blergh. I, for one, am always just striving to make it past Thanksgiving, so the bulk of the gourd-flavored stuff is behind me. Some of it drags into Christmas, but not all. Christmas brings its own flavors, for which I am grateful and more than happy to partake of. Eggnog flavored things, for example. Yes, please! Peppermint and Cinnamon. Sure. But PUMPKIN!? No, sir. It will not stand in this household.

It's always funny to me that when waiters list the dessert specials, I just shut down when they trill "and we have pumpkin creme brulee!" It's the equivalent to pouring water on a merrily crackling fire. Nolan smiles and tells the waiter, "You just lost her." And indeed they have; why would you ruin perfectly good milk, sugar and eggs with that stuff?

Notice friends, when you are out and about tomorrow, or scrolling through the interwebs, JUST HOW MANY pumpkin things are out there. And then imagine me, that every time I see one, I get a series of mini-revulsions. Not quite a full on gag, but unable to pass them without a sick feeling. I definitely make a face.

All I'm looking for is a little mercy, people. LIGHTEN UP ON THE PUMPKIN. Take pity.

And it's the time of the year when Pinterest is littered with "Elf on the Shelf" ideas.

I loathe Elf on the Shelf. I'm not sure I really have a reason why, other than it's something that I would have sucked out loud at if it had been en vogue when my kids were little, given my out and out fail at being the Tooth Fairy. Basically Elf on the Shelf is a method to scare kids into being good for Santa. You sit the stuffed elf on the mantle, and move him around while your kids are asleep so that they can tell he's a spy for Santa Claus.

I'm sorry, I'm the only spy that Santa ever needed, and our paddle made my children behave ALL YEAR ROUND, and I didn't have to make messes (that I would then later have to clean up) so that some stuffed, Big Brother elf would give my children incentive to behave during the holiday season. And I'm sorry, but wrapping your toilet in Christmas paper? The elf making out with Barbie? The elf sitting in a sink full of marshmallows? Tracking elf-shaped, flour footprints across the kitchen cabinets? Come ON, people. You can't tell me you don't have better things to do.

And trying to get Nolan on board with that? Fruitless. It just wouldn't have happened.

But you know what I love? You people. Even if you do like gourds and stuffed, tattle-tale, spy elves. I feel like we can still be friends. :)
Tags: big ugly rant
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