Carrie Leigh (carrie_leigh) wrote,
Carrie Leigh

Once you start losing molars, the Tooth Fairy becomes uninterested.

As a mother, I do some things very, very well. I won't list them all here, but my children are loved and fed and clothed and they only get the occasional beating.

But among the List of Things That Carrie Does Poorly, the Tooth Fairy tops the list. You can read about that here, if you like.

Ugh. The freaking tooth fairy. UGH.

And honestly, my kids are too old to believe in the tooth fairy. But last night during dinner, Aaron was making a production of chewing, so I said something along the lines of, "Dude, what gives? You're grossing me out," and he swallowed and showed us the gaping hole where one of his baby molars used to be.

Sidenote: Am I the only one that thinks losing teeth is super gross? (And I certainly don't KEEP the teeth. On the odd time where I DID remember to be the tooth fairy, I certainly never kept the teeth. Those suckers went right into the trash.)

Anyhow, Aaron put it in the little ceramic holder that his Granny (who, incidentally, was GREAT at the tooth fairy, et. al.) bought him when he was born (score for Carrie; I can just tip it into the trash and never have to touch the tooth) and then he asked, "Should I just leave it on the kitchen counter, Mom?"

Because we all know that after 2 glasses of wine, the Tooth Fairy isn't going upstairs, in the dark, to root around and find a piece of someone else's body that got expelled because it wasn't needed anymore.

I nodded and murmured something along the lines of, "Make sure that tooth holder is closed tightly (so the tooth doesn't escape and rub its grossness on anything that happens to be out on the cabinet)," and went to the sofa to finish the aforementioned wine.

And then I promptly forgot about the tooth, the tooth fairy, being nauseated my a molar, or anything else, because AJ put in The Princess Bride, and I was busy annoying everyone by saying every line of the movie with the characters.

Cut to this morning: I stumble out of bed (with a headache, curse you, Clos Du Bois Cabernet Sauvingnon) and the first thing I'm greeted with was Aaron, with a fake wail, "The Tooth Fairy didn't come!"

Ethan snorted into his Froot Loops and muttered, "Shocker."

I look at AJ, and decided right then and there, to just give it up completely. I mean, he IS eleven, and I've limped along as the Tooth Fairy for YEARS. I'm not good at it, I don't like it, and they're old enough to just ask for money if they need it, instead of this archaic bartering system where they get cash and I get a nasty, used piece of expelled bone.

So I get out my wallet, and find I don't have any ones.

Even though I've given up being the Fairy, I'm still not giving him five bucks for used teeth.

Mind you, this is ALL BEFORE I'VE HAD ANY COFFEE. So I sighed, put my wallet back in my purse and said, "Go get a dollar fifty out of the ash tray in my car."

Yeah. I'm one step away from stepping out of my double wide in pink, spongy rollers and yesterday's makeup while smoking a cigarette and cracking open a beer at 7:30 in the morning. I felt dirty. And bad. And guilty.

AJ didn't care. He got his cash.

But he didn't take the tooth. So even though I've officially given up the Tooth Fairy Myth, I'm still sitting here looking at the cute, ceramic tooth holder with something gross inside it that I have to now dispose of.


Though, I'm comforted with the knowledge that we won't have to go through this song and dance again. They tell me they lost a tooth? That nasty thing goes RIGHT in the garbage and you get the money right then.

Why not give it up completely, you ask? Well, you know, I'm just a mass of contradictions. And I enjoy the spirit of the Fairy, if not the actual work. Sue me.

Or report me to CPS. Your choice. :)
Tags: cute kid story, drama, i have issues, my twisted sense of humor, wine

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