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04 October 2013 @ 08:28 am
Once you start losing molars, the Tooth Fairy becomes uninterested.  
As a mother, I do some things very, very well. I won't list them all here, but my children are loved and fed and clothed and they only get the occasional beating.

But among the List of Things That Carrie Does Poorly, the Tooth Fairy tops the list. You can read about that here, if you like.

Ugh. The freaking tooth fairy. UGH.

And honestly, my kids are too old to believe in the tooth fairy. But last night during dinner, Aaron was making a production of chewing, so I said something along the lines of, "Dude, what gives? You're grossing me out," and he swallowed and showed us the gaping hole where one of his baby molars used to be.

Sidenote: Am I the only one that thinks losing teeth is super gross? (And I certainly don't KEEP the teeth. On the odd time where I DID remember to be the tooth fairy, I certainly never kept the teeth. Those suckers went right into the trash.)

Anyhow, Aaron put it in the little ceramic holder that his Granny (who, incidentally, was GREAT at the tooth fairy, et. al.) bought him when he was born (score for Carrie; I can just tip it into the trash and never have to touch the tooth) and then he asked, "Should I just leave it on the kitchen counter, Mom?"

Because we all know that after 2 glasses of wine, the Tooth Fairy isn't going upstairs, in the dark, to root around and find a piece of someone else's body that got expelled because it wasn't needed anymore.

I nodded and murmured something along the lines of, "Make sure that tooth holder is closed tightly (so the tooth doesn't escape and rub its grossness on anything that happens to be out on the cabinet)," and went to the sofa to finish the aforementioned wine.

And then I promptly forgot about the tooth, the tooth fairy, being nauseated my a molar, or anything else, because AJ put in The Princess Bride, and I was busy annoying everyone by saying every line of the movie with the characters.

Cut to this morning: I stumble out of bed (with a headache, curse you, Clos Du Bois Cabernet Sauvingnon) and the first thing I'm greeted with was Aaron, with a fake wail, "The Tooth Fairy didn't come!"

Ethan snorted into his Froot Loops and muttered, "Shocker."

I look at AJ, and decided right then and there, to just give it up completely. I mean, he IS eleven, and I've limped along as the Tooth Fairy for YEARS. I'm not good at it, I don't like it, and they're old enough to just ask for money if they need it, instead of this archaic bartering system where they get cash and I get a nasty, used piece of expelled bone.

So I get out my wallet, and find I don't have any ones.

Even though I've given up being the Fairy, I'm still not giving him five bucks for used teeth.

Mind you, this is ALL BEFORE I'VE HAD ANY COFFEE. So I sighed, put my wallet back in my purse and said, "Go get a dollar fifty out of the ash tray in my car."

Yeah. I'm one step away from stepping out of my double wide in pink, spongy rollers and yesterday's makeup while smoking a cigarette and cracking open a beer at 7:30 in the morning. I felt dirty. And bad. And guilty.

AJ didn't care. He got his cash.

But he didn't take the tooth. So even though I've officially given up the Tooth Fairy Myth, I'm still sitting here looking at the cute, ceramic tooth holder with something gross inside it that I have to now dispose of.


Though, I'm comforted with the knowledge that we won't have to go through this song and dance again. They tell me they lost a tooth? That nasty thing goes RIGHT in the garbage and you get the money right then.

Why not give it up completely, you ask? Well, you know, I'm just a mass of contradictions. And I enjoy the spirit of the Fairy, if not the actual work. Sue me.

Or report me to CPS. Your choice. :)
O Demanding One: Autumn:PumpkinSpiceLatte w/NoLatte-hehe!heyurs on October 4th, 2013 03:50 pm (UTC)

Best Friday story EVER! *LOLOL* x)

You tickle me to pieces, Carrie. ♥

Carrie Leigh: awesome shoescarrie_leigh on October 5th, 2013 04:25 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Urs.
Jandy the Gnome Whisperer: Labyrinth - Ello!jandjsalmon on October 5th, 2013 12:39 am (UTC)
Hilarious. I love your family.

ALSO - in completely different news. Have you ever participated in a 'prompt' fic fest? I'm considering trying something new for my fic exchange and I just want to get people's opinions who've done both.
Carrie Leigh: Pansy Naughtycarrie_leigh on October 5th, 2013 04:22 pm (UTC)
Yes, I've done the Interhouse_Fest twice, I think, with I think success. I like it.
Jandy the Gnome Whispererjandjsalmon on October 6th, 2013 06:01 am (UTC)
Thanks! :)
Hyacinth Girl: 2013 Family Photoeustacia_vye28 on October 5th, 2013 03:01 pm (UTC)
Oh man, Carrie. This reminds me that we have to figure out what we're going to do when Maddy starts losing teeth. And yanno, the going rate for teeth. Jay remembers getting a quarter, I remember getting a dollar. O_O

You're a good mom, even if you're not a natural tooth fairy. :)
Carrie Leigh: whistle hamlet's soliloquycarrie_leigh on October 5th, 2013 04:24 pm (UTC)
I admire the natural tooth fairies. I do. And we had friends who gave their kids FIVE BUCKS. WHAT?! $5 for teeth? You're out of your mind. I'd give them % dollars for a lot of things, but not teeth.
Hyacinth Girl: Up To No Goodeustacia_vye28 on October 5th, 2013 04:31 pm (UTC)
I don't think I got $5 for anything as a kid. I would get $1 for A's or 100's, and my allowance (starting when I was 12 or 13, not whe I was little!) was $2/week. Yeah, we didn't have a lot of money, but my parents also didn't believe in paying me to do something I was supposed to do.
mollywheezy: frog happy because of youmollywheezy on October 9th, 2013 11:52 am (UTC)
ROTFL! I don't have kids, but I would be a horrible tooth fairy.

When I was in college, I often babysat my pastor's children, and once babysat them over a long weekend, during which I had to play the tooth fairy. There was no cute tooth holder . . . the tooth was under the kid's pillow and how the heck am I supposed to find the tooth in the dark without waking up the sleeping kid? So I left the tooth and the money since I couldn't find the tooth. This caused issues the next morning when the six-year-old wanted to know why her tooth was still there. I told her it was the special Tooth Fairy Double Bonus and she got to put it under her pillow again. That really made her happy, and I told her parents when they got back. Thankfully her older sister didn't tell on me even though she was rolling her eyes at my Fairy Ineptitude. And speaking of grossness . . . Yes. teeth are gross. And this was not even my kid.