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01 June 2011 @ 06:20 pm
I narrowly escaped with my hair attached to my head.  
Carrie Fisher wrote, "If my life weren't funny, it would just be true. And that would be unacceptable." I completely understand where she's coming from.

This story, folks. This story, I swear is true. And it all happened because I went against my morals.

I went to Wal-Mart.

You all know how I feel about The Mart, right? I wrote them a letter not too long ago, detailing how much and why I loathe them from the deepest pit of the place where my heart would be, did I have one.

Anyhow, I went early this morning, and for the most part, I had an uneventful shopping excursion. I needed things like sunscreen and shampoo, and a few foodstuffs for homegroup, so I went. I went to a place where I knew I shouldn't go.

Stupid, stupid Carrie. Listen to yourself, girl. You give yourself very good advice, but you very seldom follow it.

So the story. I'm putting the groceries in the back of my Sequoia, when this woman I've never seen before approaches me, calling me, among other things, the 5 letter B word that rhymes with witch. Weird, right?

Wait. Let me back up. Have I ever told you how I look familiar to just about everyone I meet? I can't tell you how many times that someone has told me that I remind them of their sisterauntniececousinfriend. It happens ALL THE TIME.

Right. That little piece of my life escaped me when this strikingly large, Amazonian type woman of mixed race came at me with a finger pop and a head bob, calling me names and threatening (and I'm giving you direct quotes, here) to, "...kick my ass," and "snatch me baldheaded."

Now, folks, I might talk a mean game, but truthfully, I'm a pacifist. And a wimp. And other than 45 minutes on the elliptical 5 times a week, I'm completely out of shape. This woman was taller than me by a foot. There was no way that the short, chubby out of shape girl could even outrun her. Besides that, I was completely shocked. I'm sure my eyes were as big as saucers, and I was just standing there in my yoga pants and flip flops, holding a plastic sack full of sunscreen and shampoo.

This woman had really hit her stride verbally, and she was going on to question my parentage, when the guy behind her says quietly, "Hey, baby, that ain't her."

The woman doesn't even look at him. She snarls at me and says, "Is yo name Denise?"

I had been, up to this point, considering throwing the sack of sunscreen at her face and making a break for it, but I decided to answer her question.

I said with a great deal of relief, "No."

To which she replied skeptically, "Well you sho do look like the [5 letter B word that rhymes with witch].

The couple then walked on by and into the store, without so much as an apology or a by your leave.

I didn't really expect one.

And to my doppelganger, the elusive Denise: honey, I don't know who you are or what you did to this woman, but you better bob and weave, sister. And pray to keep your hair. And if you see her, run in the other direction. 'Cause the woman meant business.

Lord, have mercy. Save me from the crazy people.
Sylviaticklethepear on June 1st, 2011 11:53 pm (UTC)
Aylaabitofayla on June 2nd, 2011 12:02 am (UTC)
Have you ever checked out the website peopleofwalmart.com? Creepy stuff.
Carrie Leigh: getting Gibbs a coffeecarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:12 pm (UTC)
No, but I did watch the video below. I can only assume it's more of the horrific same.
Brendanbrendanm720 on June 2nd, 2011 01:25 am (UTC)

It's stuff like this that makes me want to start packing a paintball gun. Sort of like "There's your sign" with a sting.

Also, this just adds to my tirade against Walmart...

Maybe switch to Meijer if you have one, or Target...
Carrie Leigh: Grr Argcarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:12 pm (UTC)
Target. Definitely worth the 15 minute drive to get there.
(no subject) - brendanm720 on June 4th, 2011 03:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
Kate: Uncheck be an Assholemugglechump on June 2nd, 2011 02:58 am (UTC)
I hate stupid people. Trufax.

(I should note that my middle name IS Denise. Makes no difference, I would have lied my ass off. I figure Jesus would understand.)

Edited at 2011-06-02 02:59 am (UTC)
O Demanding One: Urs: Jesus ♥ You But I'm His Favheyurs on June 2nd, 2011 03:47 pm (UTC)

*LOL* Yes, I think He would, Katie! :D

(no subject) - carrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Elle Blessingway: Pirate: Keep Calm Rum Gone?elle_blessing on June 2nd, 2011 03:32 am (UTC)
Oh, Carrie. You have the most adventurous, terrible Walmart experiences. YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO.

Mala13oct on June 2nd, 2011 08:31 am (UTC)
O MY GOD I'm going to have nightmares now!
(no subject) - carrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - jessicakmalfoy on June 2nd, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - heyurs on June 2nd, 2011 06:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - carrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on June 2nd, 2011 04:56 am (UTC)
I am laughing so hard! I'm glad yo aren't Denise! Bless her! (I also have that gift of "you look so familiar!". Ugh!)
Carrie Leighcarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:14 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I'm not Denise, too!
seegrimseegrim on June 2nd, 2011 06:04 am (UTC)
That was great! I mean, the story was really fabulous. I would have been terrified, though, as well.

Hope you're well, beside that! :)
Carrie Leigh: Being vaguecarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:08 pm (UTC)
I AM well. All hairs still firmly attached to my head. Today was much less interesting... just the pool and housework. No one called me anything but "Mom."
Jandy the Gnome Whisperer: Embrace Insanityjandjsalmon on June 2nd, 2011 06:17 am (UTC)
I'm with kate up there. Even if my name WERE Denise I would have denied, denied, denied. Super scary!
Carrie Leigh: people are bastardscarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:09 pm (UTC)
I was a little O.O, for sure. But grateful for the boyfriend/pimp guy. Lord knows what she'd have done. :)

P.S. Your icon is great.
(no subject) - jandjsalmon on June 3rd, 2011 05:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
Mala13oct on June 2nd, 2011 08:22 am (UTC)
Like all the girls above me, I would have lied my ass off too. This is some really scary stuff you are talking about here. I'm glad that your scalp is intact!!
Carrie Leigh: Angry bearcarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:09 pm (UTC)
Me, too, sister!
O Demanding One: Express: You Suck!heyurs on June 2nd, 2011 03:50 pm (UTC)

*shaking my head* Oh, Carrie, honey...Mm, mm, mm. Bless your heart. At least you managed to NOT lay your religion down, get your hands dirty, and have to pick it back up again. Now listen! NO MORE WAL MART! :O

Jessica K Malfoy: disney: lotte ZOMGjessicakmalfoy on June 2nd, 2011 06:00 pm (UTC)
this is the funniest comment i have ever seen! next time i lay my religion down, i'm telling you first!
(no subject) - heyurs on June 2nd, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - carrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Jessica K Malfoy: disney: oh alice what have you donejessicakmalfoy on June 2nd, 2011 05:59 pm (UTC)
i can't stop laughing.

and this is why i love walmart so much. i mean, you just don't get this anywhere else. i'm going there today but i doubt anything this fun scary will happen to me.
Carrie Leigh: Arthur smilescarrie_leigh on June 2nd, 2011 11:11 pm (UTC)
I hope not. I'm all for a little eccentricity, but outright violence is no good. :)
dragonsangel68: TW - Edward Oh Shitdragonsangel68 on June 3rd, 2011 09:11 am (UTC)
OMG! You should definitely listen to your own advice!
maureen: BV - Buffy flat pom pomsmaureen on June 5th, 2011 06:49 pm (UTC)
That's what I get for being too busy to be online for awhile. Obviously, my lack of influence in your life has driven you to new depths.

Wal-Mart, Carrie? REALLY?

Now we need to find a priest who can perform an exorcism...

Okay, to be honest. I just yesterday ALMOST went myself and it's been over 15 years for me (unless you count that one time in California when I was on a business trip and it was against my will). I almost went yesterday because I want a mini fridge for my new office and Iwant it for cheap. In the end, I resisted.

Maybe we could form a support group or something.
sue_bridehead on June 7th, 2011 04:47 am (UTC)
Wow, what a story! Makes me thankful that I never remind anyone of anybody else, and that I don't live in Texas. Some of those women can be pretty mean... :P