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03 October 2010 @ 11:03 am
An horrific adult story, for your Sunday morning reading pleasure.  
So I'm lying in bed on this cloudy Sunday morning, feeling vaguely guilty that I'm not at church. To atone, I'm going to tell you a story. We'll see how far that gets me with God. :)

Most of you know that I'm not what you might call an 'outdoorsy' person. I believe that nature is best viewed through a pane of glass, preferably with a adult-like fruity drink in hand. And you know that I'm sideways with dolphins, believe that bunnies are up to far more than everyone thinks, and find woodland creatures on the whole to be vile and abhorrent in every way.

It's as if the nasty creatures of the world KNOW I don't like them and mock me by rubbing my fur the wrong way. Friday night, though, Friday night they tested me beyond what I can take.

It's on. Bring it, woodland creatures. *puts up fists*

I got home Friday night really, really late. With no husband, no kids, I stayed out until two o'clock! I'd forgotten that there were two of those in a day. Anyhow, I got home and immediately went inside to let the dogs in. I knew they'd be hacked; it was way past their bedtime and Kate's a lot like me with her view on nature. I was so intent on letting them in the house that I didn't immediately close the overhead garage door behind me.

It's a rookie move in the zombie apocalypse scenario and you hate to see it.

By the time I remembered to go close it, as I was going through the house making sure that all the hatches were battened down so that my brain would remain zombie free, it was probably 2:30 and I heard something move in the garage when I opened the door.

My first thought? Damn it, I KNEW I should have learned how to use one of the fourteen million weapons in the house. I don't even know where my Louisville slugger is.

And then I saw the bandit. Literally. It was a raccoon. A freaking raccoon had wandered into the garage, smelled the dog food we keep in a big, sterilite container, OPENED IT, and was proceeding to chow down.

A freaking RACCOON.

A RACCOON, y'all.

I'm not making this up.

Lord, have mercy.

At this point I know that I have to get the nasty little bugger out of my garage, and I have to do it by myself. My father-in-law has come and emptied mousetraps when Nolan's been gone, but I don't think his cheerfulness and philanthropy would extend to raccoons in the wee hours of the morning. So I did what any other red-blooded, Texan girl would do who doesn't have a pistol handy.

I grabbed the most vicious of all the raccoon fighting weapons: a push broom.

The raccoon was wholly unimpressed with my brandishing of the push broom and my shout of "Get on out of here!" Evidently our dog food is gourmet fare for varmints. The thing looked up, as if it was bored, and then proceeded to GO BACK TO EATING.

Frankly, I was a little at a loss of what to do. Raccoon are known to sometimes be rabid, and it would be my stinking luck that the raccoon that wandered into my life would bite me and I would die, and no one would know until I didn't show up for my South Pacific call the next day.

Just when I was looking around for something a bit more fierce than a broom (I was actually eying the weed eater), Katie started barking.

Praise GOD. Katie's fierce bark (that she only pulls out when she's been left outdoors for too long or someone questionable comes to the door) was enough to get the coon's attention and it ambled out the door, STILL not in a hurry.

I closed the garage door when it was out, keeping vigilant watch with my broom until it was shut all the way.

So I lived.

I may not, though when Nolan comes back and finds that I've torn the crap out of Colin, the Sexy, Black Toyota Sequoia's running board by driving over a big ass decorative rock in the Rudy's parking lot.

It's been sort of a weekend.

But I'm pleased to announce that goeungurl, filia_umbrae, and eustacia_vye are the winner's of last month's contest. You'll be receiving your Gap cards in the mail A.S.A.P. All of your stories are fabulous, and I intend to comment at length when I have a moment to do it properly.

Everyone enjoy the rest of your weekend. May it be raccoon and zombie-free.
I am:: bed
I feel:: awakeawake
(Deleted comment)
Carrie Leigh: Ginny's not impressedcarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC)
Cute isn't how I'd describe this one. And I definitely wanted it OUT.
(Deleted comment)
Carrie Leigh: bitter lemonadecarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 04:39 pm (UTC)
LOL. Beauty is in the eye of the broom-having beholder, I guess.

And if I was seeing him in like a zoo-type setting, it would have been a different story.
jamezilla1jamezilla1 on October 5th, 2010 01:12 am (UTC)
Drooly, now that would be a sign of them there rabies.
Carmenhumbuggirl on October 3rd, 2010 04:26 pm (UTC)
You know something Carrie - there's a little bit of me that lives for your horrific adult stories. ;)
Carrie Leigh: Chicago - happycarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 04:29 pm (UTC)
LOL. Well. I live to serve. :)
Jessica K Malfoy: halloween: haunted house on a hilljessicakmalfoy on October 3rd, 2010 04:31 pm (UTC)
eeeeeeeeeeew! i would have fainted right there! bleh.
Carrie Leigh: what the crapcarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 04:34 pm (UTC)
It was a close call, Jessica. CLOSE call.
Kate: Ash: Laughingmugglechump on October 3rd, 2010 04:54 pm (UTC)
I would not mention this little episode to the 10 year old if I were you. He'll never leave you on your own again.

And predictably, Abbey was useless. ;D
Carrie Leigh: Dean handcarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 05:18 pm (UTC)
No joke. No, really, Ethan. The weekend was completely uneventful. Promise.

And Completely. I think Abs was already asleep by the time it all happened.
Aylaabitofayla on October 3rd, 2010 04:57 pm (UTC)
God knew you weren't going to be at church :p
Carrie Leigh: bad examplecarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 05:19 pm (UTC)
True story. I'm in the clear, then. ;)
Aylaabitofayla on October 10th, 2010 01:14 pm (UTC)
Is there an October contest?
Carrie Leighcarrie_leigh on October 10th, 2010 02:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the reminder. I just posted about it.
Sharlenemynuet on October 3rd, 2010 05:21 pm (UTC)
Raccoons are the juvenile delinquents of the wild. They just slouch along, sneering at everything.
Carrie Leighcarrie_leigh on October 3rd, 2010 05:30 pm (UTC)
*snort* Excellent metaphor. That's EXACTLY what it did.
filia_umbrae on October 3rd, 2010 07:34 pm (UTC)
Oooooh, ouch. Rough weekend hon! Glad that you got the little bandito out without incident. Raccoons truly are the wilderness's juvy kids. Lawd.

(Also glad you liked the story...is there anyway that I can get Old Navy rather than Gap? If not, it's cool, but Gap doesn't tend to have my sizes -_-')
Carrie Leighcarrie_leigh on October 4th, 2010 02:57 am (UTC)
Sure thing. One Old Navy, coming right up. :)
filia_umbrae on October 14th, 2010 05:01 pm (UTC)
So much love! I feel like a total jerky thing asking for something different when you are being so generous, but my (generous) booty appreciates it whole-heartedly!
Jandy the Gnome Whisperer: Tracey - Giddyjandjsalmon on October 3rd, 2010 09:23 pm (UTC)
Your story was horrific - but is it weird of me that my first reaction was "Whew! At least it wasn't a zombie apocalypse!"
Carrie Leigh: Merlot YO HOcarrie_leigh on October 4th, 2010 02:58 am (UTC)
True story. ;) It could always be worse.
O Demanding One: Autumn: Ursula Applesheyurs on October 3rd, 2010 10:54 pm (UTC)

Varmints are SO disrespectful! ;D

Uh-oh! So just how DID NK take the news? *hopes for the best* ♥

Carrie Leigh: i got lostcarrie_leigh on October 4th, 2010 03:00 am (UTC)
Oh, I haven't told him. I didn't want to bring his trip down. I'll maybe even get it fixed before he comes back.

Thanks for keeping your fingers crossed, though!
Jazsekuh: Stewiejazsekuh on October 3rd, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
We were camping once when I was about 12 or so and the raccoons kept coming to our campsite, forging for food. So to teach them a lesson we bought a bag of the hottest chips we could find and left them out. Let's just say that said raccoons learned a valuable lesson that night about being a bit more careful when it comes to food that has been left out. I really wish I would have recorded the sounds that they made upon discovering our little present to them, they were definitely not happy campers.
Carrie Leigh: Muttleycarrie_leigh on October 4th, 2010 03:02 am (UTC)
LOL to both your story and your icon. Too funny. :D
seegrimseegrim on October 4th, 2010 01:43 am (UTC)
Oh, Carrie. I'm so sorry about the raccoon. You handled it admirably, though. I'm most impressed!

Carrie Leigh: Mad Ninja Skillzcarrie_leigh on October 4th, 2010 03:04 am (UTC)
It was like a Marx Brothers movie, or a Three Stooges cartoon. Ridiculous.

Miss you, sister. *hugs*
goeungurlgoeungurl on October 4th, 2010 07:26 am (UTC)
You're story had me giggling at my desk at work. Thanks, Carrie. I'm glad you're safe and sound though. At least it wasn't (as your boys predicted) a zombie.

Yay for winning!!! Thanks for inspiring me to be creative. Let's hope they have GAP in Korea. Let me know if there's anything you want from Korea. We can trade presents. :D
jamezilla1jamezilla1 on October 5th, 2010 01:10 am (UTC)
Raccoon are known to sometimes be rabid, and it would be my stinking luck that the raccoon that wandered into my life would bite me and I would die, and no one would know until I didn't show up for my South Pacific call the next day.

oh, come on, rabies takes months to contract fully in humans and even then you'd be able to get to you show call and THEN you'd be more like a zombie than you want to know. REALLY, look up rabies symptoms.