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12 May 2010 @ 09:26 am
Tips for Dating  
I ran across these pictures that might be from the late fifties, perhaps the early sixties? I was amazed at how dead on the advice was. I've added a bit of my own as well, so all you single girls, or you married gals looking to trade up (har dee har), here's some sage advice from Carrie.

First:  Get a boudoir.  I want one.  Seriously.  Getting dressed in one of those probably will make you that much more attractive.  Secondly, in my experience, girls that get dressed in front of their dates aren't too worried about giving up the farm, if you know what I mean.  And any man worth his salt will be THRILLED if you're wearing garters and stockings.  What's wrong with this goob? I agree with the caption, though.  Don't keep him waiting.  Unless of course, you're not done getting ready.  Or you want him to sweat it out a little.  Or you're kind of saddistic.  And by all means, greet him with a smile.  Unless he's this guy, in which case I'd greet him with a beer to loosen him up and mess up his hair a little.

Then wash my hands to get the Bryll cream off.  Blergh.

Okay, who taught this girl to sit on a couch?  After the garter thing, if she's sitting like this, the guy's thinking, am I being punked?  So he tries to set an example for how she's supposed to sit.  Or maybe he thinks they've reversed roles.  Be alert!  By all means, especially on a first date.  Falling asleep on first dates leads to all sorts of unpleasantness.  And I say that you can chew gum if you want.  But don't pop it, unless you want some old lady sitting next to you in the theatre who's had one too many Botox injections to tell you to spit your gum out before the show even starts.

I could be projecting, here.

But rule of gum is:  Don't look like a cow.  And frankly?  Dude looks like he might be able to use a little gum.  He still needs to loosen up.

And by all means, when dancing, throw your arm up in the air with flair.  And leave room for the Holy Spirit.

Unless, of course, "dancing" is a metaphor for something altogether different (nudgenudgewinkwink), then you married girls get after it.  And if you FIND a man who can talk and dance at the same time, run, do not walk to the nearest alter and find whatever priest, pastor, shaman or medicine man to make him yours.  Those guys are rare.

He's not even "the" man..  he's just "man."  It does annoy Nolan very much when I use the mirror (even the one on my sun visor) in the car, but that's one of those things that I think makes him stronger.  Men need a little adversity in their lives.  That's what God put us there for.  That, or to be a helpmate.  I forget which.

Well, I think caressing is alright (within certain public parameters), but you definitely have to be married over ten years to dig around in his ear in public.  Look how much JOY she gets from sticking her finger in his ear!  And dude doesn't like it.  You can tell they aren't married.  If they were, he'd have a resigned, 'get this over with' look on his face.

*falls on the floor laughing*

I'm sorry.  I agree.  You don't cry in public.

But come ON.  Crying is all we've got, sometimes!  I'm not saying you pull it out it every single, solitary time;  it's definitely a last resort sort of thing, and should be used judiciously.  Honestly, it makes me wonder what Girl in Bad Hat and Man are talking about on the first date here.

Girl in Bad Hat.
  I LOVE you!

Man.  We just met ten minutes ago.

Girl in Bad Hat.  But I LOVE you!

Man.  You're a fruitcake.

Girl in Bad Hat.  (starts to sob)  You're a cad!  If you don't say it back I'm going to take off my hat and make you sit with my HAT HAIR for the rest of the night!

Man.  This iced tea is not going to be strong enough.  (holds up hand) Waiter?

I say if you're wearing a gown, you deserve to talk about it.  And you can flatter your date by talking about what he wants to talk about, unless it's football, work, fantasy baseball, things he finds annoying, the Dow Jones, his views on foreign oil, or anything else boring.  If you want him to tune you out completely, the words "Strappy Sandals" do it every time.  It's like a date sleeping pill.

Right now, dude is thinking, "If I can get her to have four more of these, I can dump her off and be done with it all."

Does drinking make ANYONE more clever?  I don't get more clever, I get more chatty.  And handsy.  And fun.  But unless your date likes these things, you shouldn't do it.

And a piece of advice?  Never, ever, EVER have more than five shots of tequila in one night.  Because seventeen years later, you still won't be able to stand the smell of the stuff without the memory of being sick in your own purse in a Kroger parking lot and thus you'll never be able to have a margarita for the rest of your life.**

So that's it!  Hope this helps all you single girls out there!  And maybe a few of you married girls!  Happy dating!

**The only real piece of advice in this whole post.  And it's the God's honest truth, y'all.
Elle Blessingway: Margarita Needelle_blessing on May 12th, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)
*GIGGLES* oh, Carrie. No wonder you don't like tequila.
Carrie Leigh: no profound but common sensecarrie_leigh on May 12th, 2010 04:01 pm (UTC)
Leigh: it's drinking timeleigh_adams on May 12th, 2010 04:39 pm (UTC)
Tequila. NOM. That is the only thing that has sounded good all day.

It's been one of those days.
Carrie Leigh: Arthur isn't impressedcarrie_leigh on May 12th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC)
Ugh. Just follow the rules or it'll be ruined for life.
Leigh: cocktailsleigh_adams on May 13th, 2010 12:48 am (UTC)
My personal rule is on vodka. After two serious Cosmopolitan-induced hangovers (one of which didn't set in until the next afternoon as I was still drunk when I went to work the morning after), I tread carefully around that nail polish remover disguised as alcohol.

Not a lady at all: comic: roflcosmo_jenny on May 12th, 2010 04:47 pm (UTC)

Edited at 2010-05-12 04:47 pm (UTC)
nbaeker: gigglesnortnbaeker on May 12th, 2010 07:22 pm (UTC)
And this? This is just one of the reasons why I adore you so so much.

I still say that I want to be you when efrayim grows up a little. (I say him 'cause then he'll be the age your kids are, and I wouldn't have to grow up much to be like you, <3)

I laughed out loud lots. you rock.
Carrie Leigh: rock oncarrie_leigh on May 12th, 2010 10:05 pm (UTC)
So do you, sister!

*high five*
Celina: Teaxoxrhapsodyxox on May 12th, 2010 07:54 pm (UTC)
Oh no! It wasn't a favorite purse, was it?
Carrie Leigh: perfume bottlecarrie_leigh on May 12th, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
It was 1993, and it was a navy blue Liz Claiborne.

With perspective, the incident was probably for the best. ;)
silburygirlsilburygirl on May 12th, 2010 08:32 pm (UTC)
If I were on a date with him, I would probably drink too much, too. At the very least, it would make the conversation slightly more interesting.
Carrie Leigh: bad examplecarrie_leigh on May 12th, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
No joke. He looks like he's got some sort of intestinal trouble instead of being on a date with a stocking wearing, ear picking, Elaine Bennis dancing, lipstick wearing, teary alcoholic.

Either way, I'm glad it's not me.
Jessica K Malfoy: s&d: impallajessicakmalfoy on May 13th, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
This is quite possibly the BEST post on the ENTIRE planet. Do you mind if I like to it on my Facebook or do you not like strangers prowling around here?

So, if you can't talk about your clothes, can't touch him in public, can't use the car mirror to discretely make sure you look like a hottie, can't chat to him while dancing and have to dress in the (word i have to figure out how to spell without copy/paste) boudoir, then I think the relationship sounds boring.

but i do completely agree with the first one because like you said... if you're dressing in front of the dude, then the yeah.
Carrie Leigh: Death had a Dean Winchester experiencecarrie_leigh on May 13th, 2010 03:04 am (UTC)
No, it's unlocked. I don't mind. Nearly all my posts are. I got nothin' to hide baby.
Jessica K Malfoy: disney: lotte crazyjessicakmalfoy on May 13th, 2010 03:40 am (UTC)
um your icon is the best thing ever.
slitherhither: hislitherhither on May 13th, 2010 07:10 am (UTC)
Um, so, I may be an outlier in this and every other aspect of life, but I married one of those oh so rare can-talk-and-dance-really-fucking-well-at-the-same-time guys, and then as soon as we got married a) he revealed he hated dancing with me and b) he got mega-serious and only talked about boring things (viz your list of boring things) after that.

Does this count as whining? I dunno. Maybe it's a cautionary tale: the guys that seem too amazing to be true are just waiting to show you their less desirable side. *big pout* (ok, yes, I type this after imbibing two glasses of wine and dealing with an asshole ex-husband who fits description above)
slitherhither: booksslitherhither on May 13th, 2010 07:32 am (UTC)
I should add, despite my maudlin comment above, this is an awesome post about crazy M/F dynamics.

However: if you go on a date with a guy like this one, who looks at you like this guy, I say run away screaming. No joke.
Carrie Leigh: Stupid Boycarrie_leigh on May 13th, 2010 05:41 pm (UTC)
I concur. "Man" looks perpetually constipated. And totally un-fun.
(Anonymous) on May 13th, 2010 11:23 am (UTC)
That was hilarious (the post, not the throwing up) and I still say thank you for using the purse instead of my brand new car, even if you never got to wear those gloves again. That is a sign of true friendship. Funny, I have no problem with margaritas but I've never done shots again. That is definitely for the best!
Carrie Leigh: I cook with winecarrie_leigh on May 13th, 2010 05:40 pm (UTC)
I'd say it was my pleasure to save your car, but I'll just go with you're welcome. :)

Ah, memories of a misspent youth.

Shots=the devil. No more for Carrie.
Alluring_Twilight: DWtrufaxalluringt_light on May 14th, 2010 08:28 am (UTC)
Oh, that Man would put off any woman for life. Drink away, Woman-with-bad-hat.. you're allowed to ;)

Thank you for the post *giggles*
nolankyle on May 21st, 2010 07:47 pm (UTC)
Man's rebuttal
You girls are a little hard on us guys. I'm not saying Man is a great catch but what about Woman? He shows up freshly bathed, his hair slicked back, wearing his best suit, smelling like Aqua Veleva with dancing, dinner and drinks on his mind. What's the first thing she does? Introduce him to her parents? Show him that she's a classically trained violinist? Tell him about her church? No, no and no. She's showing garters and hose and skin, Oh My. Right after he walks in the door no less. I hate to tell you ladies but married or single, if skin is what you lead with, the first thing going through our pea brain one track minds is MORE skin. Afterwards, once we catch a power nap or a full eight hours depending on our single/married status, you may get our attention. Unless you decide to lead with the skin card again. And please, by all means, play the skin card.
Carrie Leigh: Blah blah blah blahologistcarrie_leigh on May 21st, 2010 08:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Man's rebuttal
Eight hours, huh?