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16 April 2008 @ 12:52 pm
Hello, my name is Carrie, and I am a gum chewer.  
*F-list says, 'Hello, Carrie'*

I have been a gum chewer since I was old enough to buy it myself.  I know some people find this a filthy habit; even Roald Dahl had a commentary about it in the character of Violet Beauregard - he turned her into a blueberry, and then the Oompah Loompahs sang about how disgusting chewing gum is as they rolled her off to be de-juiced.

I don't care.  I love it. 

I have been known to chew a piece of gum 'til it gives me a headache - I don't even know that I'm doing it.  More often than not, I 'chain chew' - I spit one piece out while simutaneously unwrapping a new piece.  It's unhealthy, most probably, my obsession with chewing gum.

Let me get one or two things straight. I don't chew in my classes, on stage or during a rehearsal (GUM IS NOT A CHARACTERIZATION), I don't pop my gum.  I don't blow bubbles, (unless, of course, I buy a pack of Hubba Bubba, and then you have to, I mean, that's what that stuff is for, for crying out loud) and I certainly don't smack my gum.  I mean those people should be shot on sight, no questions asked.  But I chew.

My husband chews, too.  When we married, he chewed Wrigley's Doublemint (the commercials are the best part of that gum), but I found it to be too much trouble.  You chew for 20 minutes and it loses it's flavor.  We've both been known to chew Big Red - I mean, any gum that actually burns your mouth has got to make your breath smell cinnamon-y fresh, right?  But about two years ago we settled on Eclipse gum. (I prefer spearmint and I find 'Midnight Cool' to be absolutely repulsive.) I buy it in bulk and keep it in the pantry, we both snag packs when we need them.  Sometimes Nolan buys packs at a gas station and he always keeps three packs in his car.  We're serious about fresh breath, you see.  They also have them in little pots, like, 100 pieces in one!  I keep it one the console of my car.  There's some in my purse, as well.

So imagine the raised eyebrows when he comes home with this.  Wrigley's new gum "5".  Kinda trendy, methinks.  The flavor name:  RAIN.  (WTC?) He stacks them up in the pantry on top of the Eclipse and acts like it's no big deal.  When I catch him in the kitchen, we have an exchange.

Carrie.  What fresh hell is this?

Nolan.  It's new.  I bought it while I was out today.

Carrie.  Have you tried it?

Nolan.  (blithely) Oh, yeah, it's good.

****
So the next day, while he was at work, I opened up the pantry to find that all the Eclipse is GONE.  The only thing left is the 5 Rain crap.  Reluctanly, I opened up a piece and stuck it in my mouth.

And almost vomit.  I spit it out immediately.

I called him.  He had committed a greivous offense.
*****

Carrie.  You are a dead man.

Nolan.  (calmly, because a bunch of our conversations start just this way)  Why?

Carrie.  You know why.  The GUM.  You left me with this crap.

Nolan.  (Starts laughing).  It's terrible, isn't it?  If you soldier through the gag reflex, the flavor lasts a long time, though.  Seriously, it's not so bad after about 5 minutes.

Carrie. Then why don't you chew it?

Nolan.  (laughs)  I don't want that crap.
******

What a stinker.  He pulls pranks like this all the time, and I SO want to get him back.  The two gums aren't shaped the same, or I would seriously spend the time to unwrap one pack and switch it out with the other so I for once could be the one on the other end of the irate phone call.  Suggestions, anyone?

In the meantime, does anyone want a piece of gum?
 
 
I feel:: cheerfulcheerful
I hear:: All Eyes On Me - Goo Goo Dolls
 
 
 
Carmenhumbuggirl on April 16th, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
Erm, so, am I the only one who thinks the box kinda looks like a condom box?

Just me? Thought so...

ETA: When the ignore the 'sugar free gum' text, obviously.

Edited at 2008-04-16 06:43 pm (UTC)
Carrie Leigh: Oh no she didn'tcarrie_leigh on April 16th, 2008 06:46 pm (UTC)
No, it totally does. Yet another reason not to put it in your mouth. ;P
Jandy the Gnome Whisperer: Jazz Handsjandjsalmon on April 16th, 2008 07:33 pm (UTC)
Interesting. I would never have taken you for a gum chewer. We don't do the gum thing here. Jay is a bit anti-gum guy and I've only ever been meh about gum anyway - but yeah - your husband makes me giggle all sorts of ways. Just the fact that he doesn't even blink at "You're a dead man" is hilarious in itself. ;)
O Demanding One: Urs: Ursness  :)heyurs on April 16th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)

HAHAHA! Gum chewer, here! *raises hand* I buy it in bulk, too, from Sam's. So does my sister. She has it all over the car and pantry like you. I just have it in my purse and top dresser drawer. My son introduced the "5" series to be before Christmastime. It is good and does have unique packaging. *g*

I don't like the smacking and bad gum chewing etiquette either. I remember my Granny teaching me about that! ;)

autumnrhythm30: Nightmare Before Christmasautumnrhythm30 on April 16th, 2008 10:09 pm (UTC)
I think the owl needs to be kidnapped until such time as he is able to quit pulling these horrendous pranks. I mean, there are things you just don't mess with.
Pansy: smile over shoulderpansy_caliga on April 16th, 2008 10:12 pm (UTC)
BRILLIANCE!
autumnrhythm30autumnrhythm30 on April 16th, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)
Figured you would like that.